(no subject)

Hughesnet is the shittiest, least-competent, least customer-service oriented company I have ever had the misfortune to try to deal with. They are also rude, shout over you, and are condescending and unpleasant. I mean they make Comcast look brilliant and wonderful, that's how bad they are.

Bad enough that I'm thinking dial-up is a better deal than these assholes.

What I Think Of H***Net

Or, why I don't & won't have satellite internet.

So, recently, I bought a house and moved to another town. The new town is wonderful in all possible ways, with a fantastic school system, and the new house has enough rooms for the twins to each have their own, thus ending the bedtime fisticuffs. The yard is bigger -- big enough for a small orchard and a huge strawberry patch, only dwarfed by the size of the raspberry & blackberry patch. There are wild turkeys in the yard:


Is it paradise? Indeed it would be, if it were not for a simple, sad, almost unbelievable fact: there is no high-speed internet service, cable, DSL, or cell signal. It really is camping in the woods. My only choices are satellite internet, or dialup.

The previous owners had satellite internet. They left their dish and the modem for me. Ah, said I, I can use this!. It's not ideal -- I have coworkers using their service and they tell me it's almost as slow as dialup, and there's a download limit per day, and their customer service isn't well-regarded -- but it's better than nothing, and better than dial-up, right?

So the day after I close on the new house, I call the satellite co. I try to sign up for service, but they tell me I can't use the old equipment, and have to get new equipment ($400 out of pocket, or lease for $9/mo and at the end of my service I have to climb up on my roof, disconnect everything, and return it.) I don't like this answer, but I want internet, so I say okay. I sign up for the basic plan ($39.99/mo) and they schedule me for installation on 7/5.

On 7/3, the (independent) installer calls me to tell me that the satellite co. double-booked him, and he can't come out until 7/14.

On 7/14, I get a message from the installer that he "ran out of equipment" and had to re-order and will need to reschedule me for when he has more.

I call back the installer on 7/14 (a Saturday), and express that it's frustrating to have been rescheduled twice, esp. because he ran out of equipment, when I have perfectly good equipment already installed in my house that the satellite co. says I can't use. He tells me that's not true, and to call them back and tell them I want to use my existing equipment, get a SAN number and PIN, and he can come hook me up on Monday afternoon. Because I can't look up any numbers from my house (no internet, no cell) I go to my old house, look up the number for the satellite co., and call them. I am put in the call queue, with overly perky music that's on a very short loop, and a voice that interrupts approximately once every minute fifteen seconds to tell me that my call is very important to them.

After being on hold for an hour, I use my cellphone to open up a chat window with the satellite co. My landline is still perkily chirping hold music at me. Chat agent tells me she can't do anything but gives me a different number to call. I end the chat, hang up the phone on hold (after 1 hour 25 minutes, without being answered), call the new number, and find out their office is now closed and won't reopen until Monday.

Sunday night (7/15) the installer calls me and I explain what's happening, and he gives me a new number to try. I call that number, and someone picks up, listens to my explanation of what's happening, puts me on hold for a few minutes, then tells me someone from "the main office" will call me right back ("in a couple of minutes") with the numbers I need for the installer.

Two hours pass and no one calls me back. I call again, and am told the main office is closed and to call on Monday. I call the installer and tell him I'm going to have to try to get the numbers on Monday.

Monday morning (today) arrives. I go to work (because, yanno, it's Monday morning) and call the same number I'd called Sunday night, explain things again, and when the agent finds out it's not new equipment tells me "no one here will help you with that" and hangs up on me. So I call the satellite co. directly. I explain things again. I am told I need the serial number off the modem, but I'm not at home anymore.
"Can't you just look it up from the previous owner's account?" I ask.
"No, because we have no way of knowing where the equipment came from," Agent #1 tells me.
"But it's the same street address, it's exactly the same equipment in exactly the same place," says I.
Agent: "We have no way of knowing that that's really where you got the equipment."
Me: "What do you mean? It's the same equipment in the same place. What's not to know?"
Agent: "I haven't accused you of being dishonest yet."
Me: "What do you mean 'yet'? Are you going to accuse me of being dishonest later?"
Agent: "Don't put words in my mouth." (starts yelling at me, and talking over me as I try to find out what the fuck the problem is that she can't just look it up.) Finally, realizing I wasn't getting anywhere, I decided screw them. Dialup was looking better.

Then my daycare calls: Son of Mine is running a fever. So I leave work, pick up Son, and head home. It occurs to me that I now have the opportunity to get the serial number off the modem. I decide to give the satellite co. one more chance.

I call the satellite co. from home. I explain it's used equipment, I've got the serial number, and I just need the SAN# and PIN#. They look up the modem, it's a good number, everything's all set...

...except it's been less than 45 days since the previous owners closed their account, and they have a window where they can reactivate, and until then they can't set it up for someone else. I explain as how the previous owners SOLD me their house, and their equipment in it, and have moved to the other coast, and if through some sudden insanity they flew back across the country, tried to come back into my house, and set up satellite service for themselves in my own home, that I'd have them arrested for breaking and entering. The equipment was legally mine. "Call us back when the 45 days are up," they say. "We can't help you until then." For the second time, I decide to hell with them.

I leave the Son curled up with Elder Child on the sofa watching Scooby Doo and go back to work and start looking up dialup providers. My installer calls. I explain what's happened, and in response to a direct question, agrees that the satellite co. are the biggest fucktards on the planet, except that apparently the other big satellite co. is even worse. He offers to swap modems with me, as he has several of the exact same model, so it gets around the 45 day problem.

I have already decided that the idea of giving money to the satellite co. is about as attractive a prospect as sucking bile out of a leprous camel's behind, but, after staring at my phone for a good hour trying and failing to get myself to dial, I call the satellite co. again.

This time -- the only time -- I actually get an agent who is pleasant, seems to know what she's talking about, and is willing to work through the whole complicated mess to get me the info I needed. My blood pressure drops from nuclear to simmering magma. I give her the serial number, she looks it up, it's a good number, I can use it, there's no warranty or anything, etc. Phew, says I, let's do it. She explains that there's an activation fee, plus the monthly service fee of $79.99.
"No," I say, "I want the $39.99/mo plan."
"That's not available for used equipment," she says. "You can only sign up for the Home Premium plan." To her credit, she then sees if there's any way she can get around that, but there isn't.

I thank her for being the only person I'd spoken to at the satellite co. who was courteous and who actually tried to help me, cancelled all open tickets, and hung up the phone.

Fifteen minutes later, after a very pleasant conversation with a local dial-up provider, I now have a dialup account, for slightly over 1/6th the cost of the satellite co.'s Home Premium plan. It'll stink being at dial-up speeds, but man, I think it's going to take a long time for the pleasure of knowing I'm not paying the satellite co. a dime for any of it to wear off.

The satellite co. customer service, with the exception of the last agent, were consistently rude. They were willing to lie to me (telling me I couldn't use old equipment) and then, later, willing to accuse me of dishonesty in order to avoid actually being helpful. They shouted at me. They talked over me on the phone. They have stupid policies that make zero sense, and no ability or willingness to adapt around them. They charge way too much for what access they provide. And for a lot of people, they are the only game in town.

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(I called my old dialup provider, but they were out of the dialup business. They offered me a fractional T1 for $249/mo. Was it tempting, even at that price? Ask me again after a few months on regular dialup.)