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Oct. 22nd, 2008 08:13 pmFor those of you who do not yet have children but some day may, you must be warned about The Slobber Hand. (Those of you who have chosen to live child-free may smugly go about your business elsewhere now.)
Infants and young children, especially when they are teething, feel an overwhelming need to stick things in their mouth. By "things", most often I mean the hand. Indeed, they can typically fit their entire fat little fist whole into their mouth up to the wrist. Then, just as the oyster will coat a grain of sand with fine layers of pearl, the small child will proceed to layer on as much spit, spittle, old milk, and other forms of slime and slobber as the surface of the hand can possibly retain (and it is a peculiar truth that infant's hands have a much greater capacity to retain said substances than the adult hand.[1])
Once the hand has reached its maximum coating, the infant will remove the hand from its mouth and then go looking for YOU. No matter if they are not yet mobile and have no locomotive power of their own -- they will in that instance lure you to them by cleverly pretending to be hungry or wet or expressing some other need that you as a parent are hard-wired to attempt to address.
You will pick them up, and then the Slobber Hand will strike.
It will get your face, your glasses, your ear. You cannot dodge the Slobber Hand.
For some reason, the Slobber Hand is always cold.
Being a good parent, you will resist the temptation to fling the baby away from you and instead set it down far out of reach while you fetch a paper towel, sponge, wet-nap, or industrial disinfectant to try to rid yourself of the generous trails of slime the Slobber Hand has left on your person.
As you do this, the infant will put its hand back in its mouth and prepare for your next encounter.
--
[1] if you encounter an adult with Slobber Hand, you must immediately kill them, burn the body before sunset, and bury the ashes at least 10' below ground[2] in a half-full can of diet Mountain Dew.
[2] be sure to avoid areas with high water tables!
Infants and young children, especially when they are teething, feel an overwhelming need to stick things in their mouth. By "things", most often I mean the hand. Indeed, they can typically fit their entire fat little fist whole into their mouth up to the wrist. Then, just as the oyster will coat a grain of sand with fine layers of pearl, the small child will proceed to layer on as much spit, spittle, old milk, and other forms of slime and slobber as the surface of the hand can possibly retain (and it is a peculiar truth that infant's hands have a much greater capacity to retain said substances than the adult hand.[1])
Once the hand has reached its maximum coating, the infant will remove the hand from its mouth and then go looking for YOU. No matter if they are not yet mobile and have no locomotive power of their own -- they will in that instance lure you to them by cleverly pretending to be hungry or wet or expressing some other need that you as a parent are hard-wired to attempt to address.
You will pick them up, and then the Slobber Hand will strike.
It will get your face, your glasses, your ear. You cannot dodge the Slobber Hand.
For some reason, the Slobber Hand is always cold.
Being a good parent, you will resist the temptation to fling the baby away from you and instead set it down far out of reach while you fetch a paper towel, sponge, wet-nap, or industrial disinfectant to try to rid yourself of the generous trails of slime the Slobber Hand has left on your person.
As you do this, the infant will put its hand back in its mouth and prepare for your next encounter.
--
[1] if you encounter an adult with Slobber Hand, you must immediately kill them, burn the body before sunset, and bury the ashes at least 10' below ground[2] in a half-full can of diet Mountain Dew.
[2] be sure to avoid areas with high water tables!
